I often find myself questioning myself about my relationship with God because of my poor actions and decisions. Although I know what I should do I often choose to not do it. My heart will want to do it but my flesh gets the best of me. After doing that several times I will start to condemn myself. I will have thoughts and feelings of shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. I feel bad because I know that I am not pleasing God. I feel as if I should be able to do what I know that I should do. I feel angry because I was once doing what I knew that I should do and now I cannot seem to get it right no matter how much I want to. It is not that I think that God has turned His back on me, but that I have turned my back on Him because I am doing things that I know does not please Him. I am so grateful for the change that He made in me and the things that He delivered me from 10 years ago and I am so disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to slip back into old habits and ways. I am ashamed that I fell into the temptations of the enemy and my flesh. And I am angry that I allowed my flesh to gain back control of me. How could I abuse the grace of God like that is the question that plays in my mind. How could I dishonor Him the way that I have. Why did I allow myself to become so weak again after being made so strong through Christ.
When I came across HEBREWS 4:15&16 it brought great comfort and strength to me. It gave me a new insight and hope. I don’t have to be so ashamed of myself and I no longer feel alone in my battle. I no longer have to feel as if Jesus would expect perfect actions and choices from me. I am relieved that He understands the weakness of the human nature. And I am grateful that He has mercy on me. I now feel like I can come to Him boldly with my weaknesses and my messes and will not be shamed for them. I do not have to act in His presence nor do I have to try to hide from Him. I can be the mess that I am and He will accept me the same. And He will provide me with the grace that I need to overcome it and walk in victory once again. What a great God that we serve.