“God I want to do right. I want to do good. I don’t want to do these things that are hurting me and being disrespectful to you. God help me to stop doing _____, and to start _______.” That was my prayer every day for a long time and the more that I prayed that prayer the worst that I felt because I was still doing the very thing that I didn’t want to do. It became a toxic cycle that I was caught in and did not see victory anywhere. I felt like a horrible person and I was ridden with guilt and shame. The shame made me begin to see myself as a failure and weak. The guilt and shame made me cower away from God and the very truth that could free me.
I wanted to do right. I wanted to please God. I wanted to make him proud of me. But the more that I disobeyed the spirits guidance or did something that I knew wasn’t good for me to do the more that I felt rejected and ashamed. I felt rejected because I was rejecting myself. Because I disapproved of myself I felt that God should disapprove of me too. I got so caught up in how I felt about myself that I could no longer see the truth that had set me free. My own condemnation clouded out God’s grace and mercy.
I would think things like, ” if I do better then God will be proud of me”, or “how could God still love me after I have disrespected him so badly.” I would think about all the ways that God had changed me and I chose to fall back into the old patterns. I thought about the things that he had set me free from but I chose to get entangled with them again. I wanted to crawl up under a big rock and just hide. I wanted to hide from the shame and the embarrassment that I felt. I wanted to avoid the guilt and the pain that I felt for my actions. I truly felt horrible for my actions and lack of actions that was dishonorable to God.
One day as I was reading my bible I had different scriptures that seemed to pop out to me. After reading them and journaling what I received from each one, I seen the truth that God had just spoke to me. He reminded me of who I was, where I stood, the truth of how he sees me, and of his promises to me. He said “I know the difference between your heart and your sinful nature. I know the sincerity of your spirit. I know the struggles you face and the weakness within you. I understand you. Jesus died to cover all of your imperfections and to wipe away all of your sins past, present, and future. I see the new you when I look at you. I see the person that I created you to be. I do not condemn you, I love you. Always remember that when you get lost, Jesus came to save the lost, so you are saved. Don’t hide from me because if you return to me, I will return to you.” (2 corth. 5:17, ephesians 1:4 &2:10, Romans 5:16, 6:4, 7:17 & 7:24, malachi 3:7)
Those words were what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I was still accepted and loved by God even though I was struggling with my flesh and sinful nature. I needed to know that God knew my heart and did not see me for what I do but for who I really was. We all need to know that God sees us for who we were created to be and bot for what we do. We all need to know that we are accepted even though we struggle with bad habits, wrong attitudes, and poor choices and actions. And the truth is that God does see our heart. He does love us despite our habits, attitudes, actions, and choices. He does want us to grow and overcome these things so that we can be free from the things that cloud our conscience and hold us back from being all that God intends for us to be. But He loves us no less while we are working on our issues.
God loves you just as you are right now. He sees all that you will be and not what you are in this moment. He sees all the glory that you will have and not the mess that you are right now. Don’t cower away from him because you have flaws, run to him instead. His grace is the power and favor that you need to overcome your struggles. And no that God loves you just as much right now as He ever will. His love for you will never change no matter how long it takes for you to overcome your issues. And He will be right there with the whole time.