God, what is going on? What is wrong with me? why is this happening? Why did you allow this or that? What ever the question may be, we have all asked God a question that we may not have liked the answer to at one time or another. Or maybe the answer that you have gotten is pure silence. I had been asking God the same question over and over – for what seemed like forever – but only received silence. I finally received an answer not long ago and all I can say is, ouch! I had no intentions on writing about this but when I picked up my journal this evening the pages fell open to the entry that I had written about the answer I had received and I strongly felt as if I needed to share it because there was someone who needed to hear it in order to move past something and into the better that God has for them. So against my better judgement and the desire to keep the messy part of myself hidden here we go.

First let me give you a little backdrop so that you can have a better understanding. I had gone from misery to being the happiest and most fulfilled that I had ever been. From dispair to wholeness. Complete transformation from the grace of God. I was completely different than I use to be. I did what was right just because it was the right thing to do no matter how I felt about it. I woke up looking forward to what I could accomplish for God that day and how I could help someone out. I did what I needed to do when I needed to do it, and enjoyed it! I was applying myself to the best of my ability every day. I finally loved myself, was proud of my actions, had no regrets about anything, and truly enjoyed life. I was living a life that I never thought was possible for myself. And all of this was because of what had changed on the inside of me because my circumstances hadn’t had some kind of positive drastic change. It was because I was finally being the person that God had created me to be and had stopped letting people, feelings, the enemy, or myself to stand in the way. And I constantly prayed that I would never be the person that used to be again.

Things started happening in life (as they always do) and my focus and attention had to be put on situations, others, circumstances, and such for quite some time. The downward spiral within me happened little by little to where I could not recongise what was happening. What felt like a little bit of pressure at first turned into being completely spiritually, mentally, and emotionally crushed. That led to it leaking out through my attitude, my words, my actions and even my appearance. But I could not figure out how I got to where I was at in life at the moment. How did I go from where God had helped me grow to back to where I find myself at once again? I couldn’t figure it out so I prayed and I prayed about it. I kept asking God what was wrong with me but got no answer. Then one night I asked him to speak truth to my heart about how I had gotten to the state of being that I was at (and Finally received part of an answer). I had opened my journal after praying that prayer to him with intentions on just writing about what happened that day but the following are the words that ended up being wrote on the page that opened my eyes:

Why am I allowing myself to be in the state of being that I am in? I am the one allowing myself to not feel good about myself. I am the one keeping myself from being happy, more energetic, and a better state of mind. I am the one that is making my life so bleak and dull. I am the reason why I am not living the life that I love and loving the life that I live. It’s all on me because it is all a choice! my problems are mostly caused by me not making the choices and decisions that I know I should be making. Oh my goodness!! That is exactly what God showed me in my coma. Every life choice that I deliberately made the wrong choice flashed in front of me and I became overwhelmed with regret and sorrow. I never wanted to feel that way again but here I am. Only this time I know what’s going on with me and what to do to make myself feel and be better. I know what I am doing to keep myself unfulfilled and so unhappy. And the really stupid thing is that I am choosing to live and be this way. I am choosing to not do what will make me feel good, whole, worthy, happy, and productive. But why? Why am I choosing misery over peace, joy, and wholeness? Feeling bad about myself and empty instead of loving and respecting myself? Tired, frustrated, and angry instead of well rested and balanced and at peace. Dead inside instead of alive. Why am I choosing all of the bad instead of any of the things that are good for me that will bring me to a better, happier, state of being. Why do I like not being happy instead of being vibrant, happy, and productive? Why am I purposely treating myself so badly? Why am I being so stupid?

I know that it seems to be more questions than answers in the entry that I had written but it is how God worked to get me to see the truth of what is really going on. It is how I needed to be able to face my truth and take responsibility of my actions. It is how I was going to be able to own up to my own faults as to why I had gotten into the state of being that I was in and be able to see what I needed to do to get past it. I am still working through some the questions that I asked myself but the important thing is that I now recognize many of the issues and they stem from the choices and decisions that I am choosing to make. So now I have the awareness that I need to be able to think about the choices that I am making. I now have the truth to stand on to help me make better choices and decisions. That entry has given me the remembrance of one of the things that God first told in the beginning of my change journey. And that is that He has given us the gift of free choice so that we can choose life or death, blessings or curses for ourselves. We get to choose our actions or lack of. We get to choose our attitude and outlooks. We get to choose joy and peace. Or we can choose to be unhappy, frustrated, live in inner turmoil, and etc. Yes there are things that are out of our control that we can not do anything to change but we always get to choose how we respond and how we allow it to effect us.

I am now in the process of reminding myself daily that it is up to me how good of a day I have, rather I procrastinate or just do what needs to be done, rather I let my feelings dictate my actions or not, the thoughts that I allow myself to think about, the self-image that I have, and how productive I am that day. I have had to go back and start all over in some of the areas that I had grown in but thank God that we also have the choice to do that. We can begin again any time that we get off track in our walk with God and I feel that is what one of the main points is to the words that were written that night. We have been given the gift of free choice and when we lose sight of that truth we start to allow external things, situations, others, or the enemy influence our downfall. But we have to be willing to look at our own actions, attitudes, perceptions, or lack of and own up to them before anything can change. We have to face the truth no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

If you have been asking God a question concerning yourself or your life and have yet to get an answer I would suggest that you try to journal about it. Pray that the Holy Spirit work through your fingers to write down what you need to hear and then just start writing without having any thought of what you are writing. Just let your pen do the work and when you are done read what has been put on the paper. A lot of times God tries to speak to us but our own thoughts or opinions get in the way of what He is trying to say so I have found that for me it helps me to write without taking the time to think before I put the words on paper. I pray that this helps at least one person be able to open themselves up to a truth that they need to face about themselves in order to move on to a paper state of being and life.