Many relationships are in trouble now days. The divorce rate has sky rocked in the past 5 years. In the beginning of everyone’s marriage no one thinks that they will ever get to the point of wanting to be divorced from that person. They think that they will always be in love and everything will always be sunshine and roses. Then after a few years, after the honeymoon phase has passed, things seem to change. Because life gets busy as the family grows, job gets more demanding, and couples are trying to manage daily life, they tend to start to grow apart as they have less time for each other. One starts to feel less important, not heard, or maybe less desired than they once were. Or maybe one or both feel like the other doesn’t care about their needs and just wants things the way that they want them to be. The woman may feel less loved and the man may feel less respected so they start to either lash out or ignore each other. Instead of coming together and figuring out the problem or the break down between them they move further apart and turn to family or friends about what’s going on. Then before you know it things have become silent or very aggressive between the two and they split up. But there is a way to keep this from happening because it comes down to each others needs.

The number one thing that a woman desires is to feel loved and a man’s is to feel respected. A woman needs to feel that she is loved by her partner. She needs to know that she matters and he cares about her. And a man needs to feel respected by his partner. He needs to know that she values and honors him, feeling like he is the king of the castle. And because men and woman were created differently, and their brains are very different, there is often a break down in this general, but important, need that they both have. For example, woman tend to connect everything together and thinks of many things at once, while a man’s thinking is very compartmentalized and he only thinks of what is in front of him and in the moment for the most part . So how can this issue be dealt with? How can you make sure that your spouse or partner feels loved and respected, therefore being happy in the relationship, and in love?

Before we get into the needs of our partner there are a few things that have to go hand in hand with being able to fulfill those needs. We can not be focused on ourselves and our own needs all of the time. We have to see the relationship as a partnership. We have to want to make sure our partners needs are being met. We have to be willing to be open and honest and communicate with our partner at all times. And if there is something that is not agreed upon, if the situation allows, be willing to negotiate a solution. In all relationships one has to be willing to compromise, sacrifice, and not always have their way. In most situations there can be a solution to where everyone is okay and at peace if you will negotiate properly. We also have to be willing to listen just as much as we want to talk (and for some people, talk as much as you listen). Communication is key because unmet needs lead to resentment, arguments, and break ups.

We also have to be willing to learn and work at and grow in being better in areas that we fall short in the relationship/meeting our partners needs. For example, a man says that he is just not good at speaking out loud what he is feeling inside and that he was taught to not express his feelings so he just can not do it. He may not be good at it and it may feel weird to put into words what he is feeling but he can learn to do it by speaking it to his partner. The more that he does it the better that he will get at it. Or a woman says that she can’t go fishing with her partner because she has never done it, doesn’t know how, and really has no desire to do it. Because she knows that her partner enjoys fishing she can go with him and learn how to fish and may even come to enjoy it. As long as we are willing to put forth the effort we can get better at fulfilling any need that our partner has. The key is willingness to put forth effort.

Okay, so, you are able to talk to your partner, be honest and open, are willing to negotiate on a solution, and are willing to put forth effort, but needs do each of you have? Psychologist Willard Harley conducted a study and wrote a marriage book titled, “His needs Her needs” based on the results of the study. He explains that there are 10 basic needs in a relationship. He broke them down into two categories, one for men and one for woman, but not to say that each gender only has these needs or that a stated need doesn’t cross over to the opposite gender. These are the general results of the study that he conducted. He numbered them from the top, most important need, and down and they are as followed.

Lets define some of these needs in a little more detail so that you can better understand what your partner may be needing in the relationship. We will start off with the men side. Sexual fulfillment is kind of self explanatory. However, it does not mean that a woman is suppose to give it up when, where, and how a man says 24/7. But a man’s need for sexual fulfillment is important to him, therefore it should be important to you to fulfill that need, and often. Recreational companionship means that a man wants his woman to do things with him that he enjoys doing such as going fishing, to see a basketball game, to watch a race, to do wood work, whatever it is that he enjoys doing in his spare time he would like for his woman to join in sometimes. An attractive spouse means that he wants his woman to continue to take care of herself as she did when they first met. If she kept her hair done, make up on, jewelry, and perfume when they first met then he likes for her to keep up that appearance. Admiration and respect means that a man likes to hear that he is doing a good job, that she likes the way that he does something, that she admires things about him. Respect is big with a man and he wants to feel that his woman respects him and his decisions or input. Domestic support means that a man wants his woman to take care of the cooking, cleaning, and kids. He likes the “woman’s touch” that she puts on the house and the kids as well as it takes pressure off of him.

Now on the woman’s side of needs. Affection means things like hugs, loving comments, holding hands, and other acts of care. She needs to know that she is cared for and that her partner takes the time to show acts of love to her. Conversation means more than just, “how was your day.” A woman wants to have deeper conversations with her partner. She wants to talk what’s on her heart, her dreams, wants, problems, concerns, and all the other personal things that you wouldn’t talk to just anybody about. She wants her partner to engage in this conversation and communicate with her instead of just nodding his head and saying, “um huh honey I hear you.” Honesty and openess means that she wants complete truth and no secrets. She wants to know that you would like to buy a car within the next six months and you guys talk about how to go about doing it instead of you coming home with a new car and then tell her that you bought a car today. Family commitment means that she wants her partner to engage in activities with the family. She wants to have family outings, family game night, as well as see her partner spending time with the kids one on one. Financial support means to help with all the bills and financial needs.

Like I said before, this list of needs is only the list made from the study that was conducted. I am not by all means saying that these are the only needs in a relationship or that these are the only ones that matter. Every person has certain needs that they need to have met in order to be complete in and to feel satisfied within the relationship. If we have needs that are not being met within our relationship then we will either be unhappy and/or end up turning to someone else that will fulfill our need. Therefore it is important that we express our needs to our partner so that they are aware of them and can do their part. We are suppose to care about meeting our partners needs to make sure that they feel complete, satisfied, and know that we care about them. There is no room for selfishness in a partnership and if we do not care about our partners needs being met they will eventually find someone that will or leave the relationship and be by themselves. Meeting the needs of someone that we care about should not feel, or be looked at, like a duty and we should be enthusiastic about meeting their needs. After all, if you love someone you want them to know that you love them and that you care about their overall well being and happiness right?

Two people can end up having the best relationship if they have open communication, meet each others needs, work with each other in all things, and put forth the effort to make sure that the other knows that they are loved, respected, and cared for. If both parties continue to act and be as they were in the beginning of the relationship is another way that you could put it. In the beginning of a relationship you are trying to win over a persons heart so you are on your best behavior, you go out of your way to do acts of care/love, you put forth the effort to show interest in them, and you consider them in the decisions that you make. These are the things that you do that causes the person to fall in love with you. If you continue to do those things then the person will continue to love you and fall deeper in love causing the relationship to last forever. A relationship can continue to stay in the “honey moon” phase forever if each person continues to show love and respect and meets the needs of their partner.